Every day these last 6 months has been different. Some days full of joy and thanksgiving. Others full of loathing. Others full of tears.
And, I spent the month of May in Germany. My first time there and my first trip in 12 years outside the country. It was refreshing, eye-opening, and healing in a lot of ways. My self confidence that had been tethered to shreds was restored and I was reminded my life’s ambitions are far too big for me to be stuck in a little town forever. Don’t get me wrong, I like it here and I hope to give back to the community while I’m here, but this is not the end stop.
Germany is so wonderful in so many ways. I loved it so, so much. The urban layout, the trains, the ability to find a gelato stand every hundred feet that sells a scoop for 1 euro. It was beautiful and old. Full of life and history. I could honestly see myself living there.
Germany needs Jesus, too. Not in the old corrupt ways of the past, but real people who care about other people, who intend to be active in the community, who care to take action to help others.
It reminded me of how Memphis needs Jesus. Particularly, all the comfy rich white and interracial churches in the middle and east parts of the city need to get off their lazy butts, stops spending money on building more buildings and use it to create social programs and renovate old buildings in South Memphis where the real tangible needs of people are located. And, as much as I can be, I want to be apart of social justice and social change here in this city.
How will anyone believe our words about Jesus if we who are supposedly his people do nothing to address real needs in the city we live in and stay holed up in fancy buildings? I mean seriously. Ironically, this was a big lesson I learned in Germany, a place where hardly anyone believes in God.
Why should anyone believe in God? Because he is so good and there is no better place to be as a person than to be made whole again through a restored relationship with our creator. Not because of the fire and brimstone hell that crazy people try to scare other people into believing but because True hell is merely being separated from him. Look around you, there is real true evil apart from God. And, There is no comparison to knowing him.
Yes, I unintentionally got a little preachy for a second. Anyway, it’s okay if you don’t agree with me. Moving on.
Being back from Germany has been odd. It’s like I’ve drifted back into another dimension and new trials were awaiting me here. It’s the first time in a long time that I truly feel alone. I miss my cat Niko who is living with my brother in Los Angeles. I miss Niko so much it literally brings pain to the pit of my stomach and I have no way of bringing him here with me because my landlord won’t let me, plus costs of plane tickets, plus I can’t move from this place anytime soon due to being a poor student again finishing my degree. Was that a good decision? Sometimes I feel it was the best decision I could have made. Other times, I feel uncertain. But, what can I do about it now? I’m in a city not friendly to car-less commuters, I can’t exactly buy a car this moment and the car I had was swept out from under me when I got back from Germany by the suspicious and presumptuous seller (long story for another day), and while cycling is cool, it’s hot as balls outside which means mega sweating is inevitable regardless of the time of day. Plus, I have to be extra careful about riding because this city isn’t exactly bike friendly either. Getting hit once by a car three years ago still sends panic in my heart whenever I accidentally hit a bump in the road while cycling, lol.
The upside of things are I’ve been working on my script. It is nearly done. I’m at the climax ending of the tale. I’m getting more involved in the art world through a photography class I’m taking – ironically – as in being ask to paint a large 8’x 10′ panel for some dancers at an art show as well as invited to more art shows from the artists themselves. I’m teaching a friend to play guitar whom also wants me to make a commercial with them. I’ve written the script and started the storyboard on it. I’m going to be writing for the school newspaper in the fall and have two projects over summer that I’m writing for them – both topics of my choosing. I’m working on a few collage pieces of art and been doing a lot of photography for class, but it’s also very enriching. July, I’ll be training to be a mentor to an at-risk high schooler in the fall and hopefully take a tour of the Memphis drain system for a preliminary idea of something I want to work on later. These are all really good things.
Honestly, I did not even know what exactly was bothering me until today. I knew there was something wrong because I’ve been self medicating with binge watching tv shows on netflix and filling every free space of time with “to dos” so as to be so exhausted there wasn’t a free moment to think or feel.
The revelations of tonight: I feel alone because I miss my cat of 5 years, I miss my companion of 2 years that brought me here to Memphis to begin with (the heart loves who it loves, and man, it is difficult to let go and move on permanently, even after everything), and I miss the freedom of getting around easily that comes from living in an urban city. I miss not having to live on a budget either or worry about money so much. I feel like I’m learning to depend on God in a new way with this one and it is stretching the fibers of my need for control and independence. I am happy to not work in an office anymore, I am happy to be working on art – be it writing or music or photography, etc. In a lot of ways I am free and I am pursuing my dreams. It means a lot and it isn’t easy, but it sure does feel good too.